Aggression. I may have a problem.
Nadine has mentioned it before. But it came up today when I sat on a dog.
The dog was sitting in my spot. I said, “down,” in the way a normally do. Then I said it again. The dog would normally have obeyed the command. It’s a command I issue fairly often without a problem. I say, “down,” the dog gets down. This particular time it was being defiant. So I sat on it.
I’ve done this before with a different. The dog quickly learns that my commands are serious. And if it doesn’t want to be sat on, it’ll move the next time I issue the command. But this dog is the dramatic one. So when I sat on it, it squealed.
That squeal made Nadine freak out. Which lead to an argument.
My argument at the time was that it was ok when I did it to the more robust dog. But when I do it to the dramatic dog it becomes a problem. I asked for consistency. But Nadine said that she just didn’t notice when I did it the first time. I sat on the dog that was literally touching her. And it climbed over her to get off the bed. That’s fairly normal for Nadine. She sometimes gets into her head and everything else basically disappears for her. I’ve had whole conversations with her only to be met with, “sorry, what?” So if she didn’t notice, she didn’t notice. I believe her. I apologised and left.
The whole disagreement stemmed from Nadine’s belief that sitting on a defiant dog is cruel. I think it’s a show of dominance. Which is a thing in the dog world. The dominant dog leads the others. So I exert dominance to let the dogs know that I am the alpha of this pack. And seriously, I squished the dog between my soft butt and a pillow, on a bed. In the real world, the alpha shows dominance in far worse ways. In our own backyard, the alpha once ripped a smaller dog’s ear off. How can me sitting on a dog possibly be considered cruel? It 100% hurts the dog less than smacking it with a rolled-up newspaper.
Anyway, that incident aside. Something Nadine said gave me pause. Am I really unnecessarily aggressive?
I’ve been told that everyone is scared of me. Why? Is it because I’m so much bigger? Is it a combination of my size and strength? My attitude perhaps? And is it all the time? Or do I have fits of rage? I don’t know. I want to be introspective about this. But introspection is difficult because I only have my point of view. And I’m normal. Right?
Preferably, I’d like to seek professional help. But I can’t. We can’t afford it. Even if we could, where? We live in Molteno. We have one GP. And she works at the state hospital. There are no private GP’s here. So a psychologist is way down on the list of professionals that we need here. If I had the money and wanted professional help, I’d have to drive 200km per session. Introspection is all I have. I’ll have to just work harder at it.
On the whole, not a terrible day. We had an argument and I sulked a little. But we recovered quickly. Although it was Nadine who came to me to reconcile. I really must do better.
Zàijiàn <– phonetic Mandarin